Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm passing your future prison.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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