Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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