She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
