you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Drunk is not a location!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
