I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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