He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
