a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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