Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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