my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
