I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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