Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
