im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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