I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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