i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
