When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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