:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
