just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
