Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
