My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
