I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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