right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
