Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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