did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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