You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
