the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
worst night to have a conscience
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
