Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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