i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she looked like the before picture.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
