Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
