Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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