I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
