So drunk its hurt
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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