Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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