I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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