Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
