"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
