I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
