he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
people are starting to question the shark bite story
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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