I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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