I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
