just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
