oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
