I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I could make wine with my vomit
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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