Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
