she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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