Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
