you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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