she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
