My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
