Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
