he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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