i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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