I met the friendliest cop last night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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